Dating advice for Christian Singles

Below are some random thoughts on dating that I have learned and shared across the years:

Ladies…don’t chase men…but you can get in his way. Ladies who chase men always catch a loser. I know there are exceptions to this rule but those are not common. All the stories I have known where the gal was the leader/instigator/proposer didn’t end well. Don’t chase em…but you can get in their way.

Ladies…remember the two J’s. He’s gotta love Jesus and have a Job. There’s much much more to a mature man but these two are essential. (click here to read my post on how to know if the guy you are dating is spiritually mature)

Long dating: Ideally, you should go through each season multiple times and have had to overcome some struggles together. Overcoming struggle is essential to the process of determining if you should be married.

Short engagements. One of the indicators that you should either head towards marriage or break up is the desire to be sexually intimate. For those who say they can handle a long engagement without the temptation to be intimate are either lying or shouldn’t be getting married. A 6 month engagement is plenty long enough.

Best pick up line for guys: “My name is ___. I love Jesus and I have a Job. I have been loving you all my life. Nice to meet you.” But you have to 1) be a virgin 2) be mature in your faith 3) have a job/career plan.

Living together is a sin: Hebrews 13:4. Biblically, there is only the marriage bed. There is no such thing as the boyfriend bed. And getting married doesn’t atone for your sin. Only Jesus can do that.

Living together is practice for divorce not marriage. A man should be protecting a woman and leading her to Jesus not sin.

Never date a non-Christian. 2 Corinthians 6:14. 100% of the time you will marry someone that you date. So only date Christians. Dating non-Christians is a recipe for disaster! Here’s some good math for you: Missionary Dating = Miserable Divorce. The highest divorce rate is among marriages where only one person is a Christian. This whole process begins in dating. So never date a non-Christian. The group with the lowest divorce rates? Bible-believing, Jesus-loving, church-attending evangelical Christians. You don’t have to have everything in common (for example my wife likes chic-flicks and I like real movies) but you have to have one thing in common…Jesus!

Ladies…do not rob him of the opportunity grow up in order to marry you. Let him go through the struggle. If he loves you he will find a way to love you, to marry you, to buy the ring, etc… Struggle is good. This is how you can help him be ready to marry you. Don’t steal that growth process away from him.

Ladies…never marry a fixer-upper. According to Genesis 2 you are to be a helper. Marry a guy you can help, not a guy who needs fixing. There is a big difference. It’s better to stay single than to be with a loser.

Guys…be intentional: The intentional man repeatedly and constantly goes first and takes on all of the risk of rejection. He always lets the girl know where he stands so she feels secure and isn’t left guessing. (On the other hand, don’t weird her out by talking about marriage on the first date.) Example #1 When you ask her out say something like “I’d like to take you on a date.” Do not say “Wanna hang sometime?” Example #2 Intentional: “I had a great time tonight, and would definitely want to do this again. I will give you a call this week.” Unintentional: “I’ll call you sometime.” Example #3 Intentional: “I think you are a godly, beautiful woman, and I have a great time with you. I would like to pursue a relationship with you.” Unintentional: “Soooooo, what do you think about us?” Or, “I am not sure where I stand. What about you?”

Guys…clean up your act today: The lie many men believe is “I will clean up my act when I find the right girl.” The truth is that if Jesus isn’t motivation enough to pursue godliness then you aren’t ready to pursue a girl.

Guys…plan ahead for the date: You can’t wear flip-flops. You gotta have buttons on your shirt and more than one eyebrow. And the restaurant shouldn’t use plastic sporks. Going to the movies on a first date = stupid idea (you can’t spend time talking and getting to know each other). Going to the movies on 5th and 200th date = great idea. Are you picking up what I am putting down?

Don’t idolize marriage: Singles often have a far more romantic than realistic picture of it. When marriage is idolized, it leads to dependence. Your hell is singleness and your functional savior is marriage. This makes you prone to overlook the faults and flaws that you and the other person have. It can also make you prone to rush the relationship along to push it toward engagement and over the finish line of marriage, ignoring the fact that marriage is a starting line and not a finish line.

Don’t demonize marriage: Some singles have a more miserable than hopeful picture of marriage. When marriage is demonized, it leads to independence where relationships sounds like a prison sentence. Your greatest joy is being alone. You like your freedom and don’t want anyone else to encroach upon your life because you’d be forced to consider them, accommodate them, or serve them. You are prone to exaggerate, obsess over, and amplify the faults and flaws of possible dating partners.  You are prone to function like a false prophet, predicting a terrible future that would occur if you stayed together in a dating relationship thereby justifying your lack of effort. Rather than pushing the relationship along, you push the person away.

Do not go dutch: I know that sounds old fashioned. But going dutch is when a guy is subconsciously saying “you’re worth $25 but not $50.”

Ladies…Charm and beauty are not a good dating plan: Prov 31:30 says “Charm is deceitful and beauty is fleeting but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Beauty doesn’t come from makeup…it emanates from a woman who boldly and unabashedly knows who she is in Christ. So first, prepare your heart. And then by all means put on some makeup.

Ladies…he does not want to be just your friend. There are probably exceptions to this rule but if he’s hanging around a lot, he’s interested. And don’t lead him on by thinking you’ll just be friends.